The Internal Monologue of a Solo Road Trip

Ok, Suitcase … check. Work bag … check. Wallet … check. Phone ……(where is it …… ok). check. 

*starts car* OK, five hours. Thats only like, 11 episodes of How I Met Your Mother. No problem.

*drives for 20 minutes* OMG, I am so bored already. And damnit, I have to pee. OH, there is a starbucks off this exit. I’ll stop and pee and get some coffee and get back on the road. 

HI, I’d like a quad venti skinny vanilla latte with no foam please.

Are you sure you want a venti, you’ll have to pee again before you get there. Well, that’s ok because I’ll have to put on work clothes at some point so I’ll just kill 2 birds with one stone there.

Ok, back in the car. I’m at exit 25 and Ohio ends at exit 210 and then I have to go to exit 81 in Michigan … So I have ………………. 266 miles to go. So if I go 75 miles an hour, I will get there in ………………….. a long time. I still have a long way to go. damnit, i’m bored.

Oh, I like this song. *turns radio up* SHE WAS LIKE, OH MY GOD, THIS IS MY SONG I’VE BEEN LISTENING TO THE RADIO ALL NIGHT LONG. The lyrics to this song kind of suck. Who says like, oh my god? The girl Luke Bryan is singing about must be a blonde … Wait. I’m a blonde. But I don’t say that. I’ve never said that. 

Shit, I’m too far away to listen to the Cincinnati radio stations. *switches to pandora*. I think the main reason I like listening to the John Mayer pandora station is because they dont really play a lot of female artists. And I don’t like female artists as much because I can’t sing along as well because I’m a bad singer.

I’m not a bad singer. *turns radio down* I mean, i’ve only been booed at karaoke once. I could totally sing “Gimme one reason” by Tracy Chapman at karaoke. Remember that time you googled “Is Tracy Chapman a man or a woman” … She’s a woman but I can sing along with her because her voice is really deep.

Maybe she used to be a man. I wonder how often people google that. I bet I could google it.

I am really bored.

Damnit, I just got a text message, I heard it.. I’m not going to check it though because I don’t want to die on the way to work. That’s probably the worst way to die. Damnit, I hate driving. 

Please don’t start raining. I hate driving in the rain. UGH this truck. PICK A LANE ASSHOLE. I hate driving to work. If I were flying right now I could be sleeping or reading a book or literally anything else. But I’m just driving.

Oh, construction. THIS ISNT EVEN DOING ANYTHING. It’s just cones blocking off one lane just to be a jerk. THANKS OBAMA.

LIKE, OH MY GOD THIS TRUCK IS ABOUT TO HIT ME…. crap, I just said like, oh my god. I’m that girl in the Luke Bryan song. I wish.

Damnit, I need gas. Why didn’t I get gas when I got starbucks. (because I didn’t need it then) … Ok, pulling over. YAY I get to check and see who texted me like an hour ago!

WHY IS IT SO COLD OUTSIDE. IT’S MAY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

DONT HONK AT ME. I’m trying to pass this truck, I will get over when I pass him so you can be a speed demon. Leave me alone.

Crap. I have to pee. I should have only gotten a grande coffee. There is no way I will finish this anyway. Crap.

Ok, I can stop and get a quick lunch and pee and change into my work clothes… Then I will only have to drive 150 more miles and if I go 75 miles an hour it will only take two more hours. I’m swimming in time.

Ok, stopping for food now. Obviously I’m going to get chipotle. It’s either that or I get a bag of cheetos from the gas station. I already got gas, so chipotle it is. 

Why is chipotle so good? Like really, I could eat this whole bowl and then some. I wish I would have gotten chips. I can still get some. I’ll just get a little bag.

Well, they didnt have any little bags. So i’ll just keep the bag and snack on it for the rest of the trip.. I only have like, two hours MAX left. OK. Back in the car I go… UGH. this is the worst.

WHAT IS THIS TRAFFIC?! This is actually the 11th circle of hell. I cannot imagine a worse scenario right now. My car is in park. At least I’m not at work yet. What should I get for dinner. ooooooooh I really want the zucchini fritte appetizer from Maggianos … Do you think they’ll judge me for ordering just an appetizer to-go? Maybe if I get another appetizer or like, a salad or something. I’m definitely getting that. I don’t need a salad.

………………. Still sitting in traffic. I’m really glad I peed, otherwise I might be dying right now. Why is the person in the car next to me staring at me??? I’m not doing anything weird!!! Just ignore him. Check twitter. Look at all the instagram pictures that have been posted since you left this morning. Check facebook. Check twitter. Still sitting in traffic. Weirdo next to me is still staring. WTF.

Oh great, we’re moving now. That was literally traffic for no reason and I just wasted a half hour of my life. Only 50 miles to go. UGH, but then I have to work. 

Think of it this way, you will be at work for about as many hours as you’ve been in the car……. SO BASICALLY FOREVER. Work wont be that bad. Not as bad as this. Nothing is as bad as this. 

I hate driving. I will go as slow as I want around this curve and because I’m in the slow lane, IDGAF id you pass me. I’m clearly not in as much of a hurry as you are, SIR.

OK. Five more exits. YOU. CAN. DO. THIS. You will literally be there at the end of the next song……….. ugh, this song sucks. Can’t everyone just agree that we’ve had enough of brantley gilbert already?!?! OK, at the end of THIS song, you will be there.

AH, one more turn and youll be there … Good thing, because I have to pee.

 

4 comments on “The Internal Monologue of a Solo Road Trip

  1. this is so real :) goodness i hate road trips. sometimes they seem like a good idea in theory but solo is so boring!

  2. I laughed OUT LOUD when you said like, oh my god. I guess the girl in the song IS blonde after all ;) This was too funny. Seriously, though, I hate when cars try to tailgate me, and I’m like I’m JUST passing this slow car/truck, and then I’ll get over and you can speed along past. CALM DOWN. Grrrr…

    1. I seriously hate that. Especially when the highway is only two lanes. THE WORST. I’m just waiting for the day when a car tailgates me and then speeds when I let him pass me…. and then I see him getting pulled over. KARMA. :)

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